Gary Hogg
Home About Monologues Shop Graphic Design Geordie Dialect Coaching The Geordie Hour

©Gary Hogg 2014   info@garyhogg.co.uk

The Lion The Witch And The Warburtons
By Gary Hogg

Cain and Mabel were hidin’ behind the settee
Cos the rent man was at the front door
When Cain noticed summat under the skirtin’ board
That no one had noticed before

He whispered to Mabel “Look at that, Ma
There’s a light shinin’ through from in there”
“That’s a right funny biz, last in the street, this house is,
Through that hole should be nowt but fresh air”

So when the rent man had gone Pa says “Now hang on,
I’ve always thought this room was small,
When you look from outside, it looks fifteen foot wide,
But in here, it’s nine foot wall-to-wall”

“There’s six foot gone astray” Ma says “Get away!
A secret room behind the wall is that right?”
“Well ain’t that peculiar, fetch our Graham’s ruler,
He was sword-fencin’ with it last night”

So they measured within and they measured without
Right enough they found six foot not there
“I know what I’ll do” Pa says “I’ll knock through,
I’ll make a hole just behind that there chair”

She says “Oh, can’t complain, I’m just bored out me brain,
Day in and day out doin’ nowt”
“Who you talkin’ to” shouts Mabel, who was still only able
To see Cain’s back end stickin’ out

It was then that Cain noticed it wasn’t a room
He was deep in a forest o’ sorts
From what he could tell, it was a green leafy dell
“It’s likely enchanted” he thought

Wi’ birds all a’twitterin’ he din’t hear Mabel witterin’
As he bundled the rest of him through
The witch patted the grass, she says “Company at last,
Sit down lad. I’ve just made a brew”

She says “I have to admit, since the last folks done a flit,
And took that old wardrobe away,
We’ve not seen a soul until you made that hole”
She says “Eeh, lad. You have made my day”

“Wait I’ll fetch Brian” she says “Brian’s me lion”
And she got up and shouted ‘is name
Right enough she weren’t lyin’ cos this lion come flyin’
Thank goodness the bugger was tame

He curled up next t’Cain. He says “Ello, what’s your name?”
He says “Cain, I’m the bloke from nextdoor”
You could see he’d been cryin’ had Brian the lion
“Eeh, it’s dead nice to see you” he roared

“Me and the witch are dead lonely. We keep thinkin’ if only,
We had visitors, that’d be great,
Cos you see, me and her, like enemies, we were,
But now there’s just us, we’re best mates”

Just then Cain heard a yelp and what sounded like ‘Help!’
It was Mabel. She was shoutin’ poor soul
She’d got sick of waitin’ but was now suffocatin’
She’d got herself wedged in the hole

A right frockbuster was Mabel she weighed twenty stone
Cain looked and says “Heavens above!”
She was stuck halfway through and turnin’ quite blue
Round the gills, so he give her a shove

Course the wall gave away and the witch shouts “Hooray!
We’re free!” Mabel says “Hang about,
What’s happenin’ our Cain, I don’t want to complain,
But isn’t that a lion got out?”

“This is Brian” said Pa “…Brian, this is Ma,
And this here’s a witch I’ve just met”
And the witch says “I’m dead pleased to meet you”
And Mabel says “Cup o’ tea, pet?”

So the witch and our Mabel sat down at the table
The pair hit it off really well
She gave her some make-up to hide all her warts
And then, …she taught Mabel some spells

So everythin’s rosy and they all live quite cosy
With a curtain cross the hole that was made
They don’t do Skeggy no more, they just nip nextdoor
And relax in their own verdant glade

So the Warburtons still live life as normal
‘Cept with a lion instead of a dog
And there’s just them in the street got a forest en-suite
Oh, and a rent man that’s been changed to a frog

©Gary Hogg 2003